No Planet B - Part Seven
or, The History of the World Backwards
July 2006
The Elephant Man
www.gawkagogo.com
John Merrick runs away from St Barts hospital to join a travelling freak show. After a few years he builds up a big live following on the carnival circuit, but has failed to cross over to the West End theatres. Merrick gives a press conference at which he tells journalists:
JOHN MERRICK: “I think the reason I haven’t had more mainstream success is because I’m too political.
I had many distinguished visitors when I was at St Bart’s hospital. I had a conversation with Charles Darwin. He told me that humans are evolving into the lower mammals, such as chimpanzees. ‘And elephants?’ I enquired of him. ‘Will all humans look like me in the future?’ ‘That depends’ said Darwin, ‘on how many you shag.’
But then Darwin while sailing on the Beagle from the Galapagos Islands to Southampton, came up with a revolutionary new theory he is calling intelligent design. He informs me by letter that he is planning to give a lecture at the Royal Society upon his return. I was so looking forward to going, and maybe even introducing the great scientist from the platform. But Charles sent a telegram to say that when he is giving his talk about intelligent design he’d rather I wasn’t standing anywhere near him or even in the same room. That Darwin, he’s such a loser, isn’t he?
1842-34 - The Opium Wars
War breaks out when China tries to force opium onto Britain. Britain refuses even though the Chinese cut up rough. Once the Chinese are stuck with their own opium, they soon lose the will to remain an industrial power and just zone out drawing blue willow trees on plates for a thousand years!
Religion
Religious people talk about the Prophesy of the Coming of the Messiah which is meant to happen when the clocks go forward at year zero. It is widely believed that the Messiah wil come from Latin America or at least have a popular Latino name.
Ministers deny that introduction of faith schools will mean that only monks will get an education. Middle class parents move close to monasteries so as to be in the catchment areas just in case. This contributes to de-population of the cities.